Speechless

From College Station

For my grandma's 98th birthday, we decided to take her to County Line. She loves BBQ, as every 98-year-old woman should. To spare you the long story, my grandma has just recently become close with my family again. There was some family drama that caused us to not be too close to her for the past 15 years or so. Nothing she did, just unnecessary drama. Anyway, today we took her to lunch. When our food came, we said our usual pre-meal prayer and went on with our regular conversation. Towards the end of lunch, she started talking about this astronomy class she has been going to at her retirement home every week. She said a few things that caught my attention, such as "If you don't believe in God, or gods, or whatever, after hearing about all the other planets, I don't know what will convince you!" Had she not included the "or gods" part, I would have agreed with her. Here is how the rest of the conversation played out...

Grandma: There are just so many planets, it's impossible to believe that just one God created all of them! Kristen, what do you think?
Me: Well, I believe that there is only one God, and that He created everything and has power over everything. That's what it says in the Bible.
Grandma: You can't really KNOW that. That's just what the people who wrote the Bible say.
Me: That's what faith is. Believing even though you can't see Him.
Grandma: Then if you believe in Him, what is He like?

Not gonna lie...I lost it. On the inside anyway. My heart broke for her. So many things I wanted to say were silenced by my inability to form words. I am also heartbroken that at the moment when I needed to be the most bold, I was at a loss for words. God burdened my heart for my grandma, and I am praying He will give me another opportunity to share Christ with her. Please keep her in your prayers as well.

-Kristen

I can't sleep

From Denton...

I have been quite tired all day but as soon as I finally went to bed all I could do was toss back in forth in bed with my mind racing through so many thoughts and my heart aching in my chest...causing me to be more awake than ever.

The Lord is gripping my heart, getting my full attention on Him to open my eyes completely. This past week I have been in Atlanta, Georgia at the Passion conference where the Lord opened my eyes to all of the yuck in this world. He gave me just a glimpse of all that is going around the world every moment of every day...God's children who are precious and loved in His sight are being used, abused, starved, malnourished, neglected, killed, and hurt every day. I lay awake convicted and broken as I begin to experience the urgency of the Lord's heart for His people.

I have spent so much of my time holding onto my own desires and my own plans that I am grieving the Holy Spirit-keeping Him from having His way in my life completely. I worry about silly things and hold onto perishable items and relationships which hurts the heart of my Father. This last month has been a wrestling match with my flesh. As I draw nearer to Jesus, His Holiness reveals the yuck of my flesh and the desires it longs to pursue. All the while, my Lord is gentle and patient, guiding me down His narrow path and lifting up my face with His hands. God's word is clear. You either follow the world and the passions in the world or you Follow Jesus and pursue the things of His heart, while hating the things of the world. Anytime I sense my flesh trying to take over a thought, word or action I break and I weep because I hate the things of my flesh and I just desire to please my Jesus...crying out "Lord Jesus, please strip me of my flesh-I don't want it, even if it makes me bare...I know your grace covers me" His mercy engulfs me...moment by moment.

As I lay awake, Isaiah 58 is running through my mind...non stop. The Lord tells me that He desires for my life to reflect this scripture in worship to Him. He tells me that He desires for me to let go of things I hold onto-and be an extension of His hands and feet every day. He desires for me to humble myself and serve His people-bringing them the truth and love of Jesus Christ...salvation and redemption to their souls.

Father, I am weak and selfish in my flesh and so often my eyes are on worthless things. Jesus, You require me to drop all things to follow you; You require of me a sincere and surrendered heart. Following You takes a strength, joy, boldness, faithfulness, love and lasting satisfaction that can only come from a fulfillment of Your Holy Spirit within me. Jesus, I desire You and delight in knowing Your heart. I thank you for your unconditional love and grace. Please strip me of my flesh daily to follow You. I am desperate for You-desperate to bring Glory to Your name. May my life and body be a living sacrifice for Your glory, Lord Jesus. I love you. Amen.

"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45