Saturday, January 7, 2012

I can't sleep

From Denton...

I have been quite tired all day but as soon as I finally went to bed all I could do was toss back in forth in bed with my mind racing through so many thoughts and my heart aching in my chest...causing me to be more awake than ever.

The Lord is gripping my heart, getting my full attention on Him to open my eyes completely. This past week I have been in Atlanta, Georgia at the Passion conference where the Lord opened my eyes to all of the yuck in this world. He gave me just a glimpse of all that is going around the world every moment of every day...God's children who are precious and loved in His sight are being used, abused, starved, malnourished, neglected, killed, and hurt every day. I lay awake convicted and broken as I begin to experience the urgency of the Lord's heart for His people.

I have spent so much of my time holding onto my own desires and my own plans that I am grieving the Holy Spirit-keeping Him from having His way in my life completely. I worry about silly things and hold onto perishable items and relationships which hurts the heart of my Father. This last month has been a wrestling match with my flesh. As I draw nearer to Jesus, His Holiness reveals the yuck of my flesh and the desires it longs to pursue. All the while, my Lord is gentle and patient, guiding me down His narrow path and lifting up my face with His hands. God's word is clear. You either follow the world and the passions in the world or you Follow Jesus and pursue the things of His heart, while hating the things of the world. Anytime I sense my flesh trying to take over a thought, word or action I break and I weep because I hate the things of my flesh and I just desire to please my Jesus...crying out "Lord Jesus, please strip me of my flesh-I don't want it, even if it makes me bare...I know your grace covers me" His mercy engulfs me...moment by moment.

As I lay awake, Isaiah 58 is running through my mind...non stop. The Lord tells me that He desires for my life to reflect this scripture in worship to Him. He tells me that He desires for me to let go of things I hold onto-and be an extension of His hands and feet every day. He desires for me to humble myself and serve His people-bringing them the truth and love of Jesus Christ...salvation and redemption to their souls.

Father, I am weak and selfish in my flesh and so often my eyes are on worthless things. Jesus, You require me to drop all things to follow you; You require of me a sincere and surrendered heart. Following You takes a strength, joy, boldness, faithfulness, love and lasting satisfaction that can only come from a fulfillment of Your Holy Spirit within me. Jesus, I desire You and delight in knowing Your heart. I thank you for your unconditional love and grace. Please strip me of my flesh daily to follow You. I am desperate for You-desperate to bring Glory to Your name. May my life and body be a living sacrifice for Your glory, Lord Jesus. I love you. Amen.

"For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

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